Here or There?

When a parent is ill, if you don’t live locally, it’s difficult to know how to divide your time.
I spent most of January with Mum, coming back to London for the weekends,
but every time I left, I wondered if it would be for the last time.
Because The Brainy One works for himself and his business is traditionally quiet in January,
 he was able to hold the fort at home while I was 250 miles away.
But it wasn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination,
and it was hard on The Boy Child.
I spent the weekends listening to him tell me that he hated me 
and that I should just go back to Granny.  
Over this last fortnight, I’ve thought about whether I should have done things differently,
and the answer is no.
I put The Boy Child and The Brainy One first throughout December, as per Mum’s wishes,
and I believe that I made the best decision about January, based on the information available
from family members and the doctors and nurses caring for Mum.
Doesn’t stop me feeling guilty about whether I could have handled the situation differently. 

13 thoughts on “Here or There?

  1. You are allowed to feel guilty. It is all part of being a Mum and wanting to be more than perfect for your family. Your Mum would tell you exactly the same – and that she felt guilty for taking you away from TBC and TBO.
    You did right and now it is done. TBO is a small child and anything that upsets the routine of a small child causes them to react. His reaction is amplified by the autism. He will survive, he never stopped loving you even when he was hating what you were doing.
    If he was an adult you would tell him, kindly, to suck it up because it was something you needed to do and he would accept it. He's a kid and you are ready to protect him at all costs, even from yourself.
    Now have this big warm Welsh cwtch and share it with TBO then wrap the memories of recent weeks in tissue paper and put them on the shelf marked February 2017 when you will be more able to cope with them.

    Oh goodness, I debated whether to delete all this because I am being bossy but I think you need some reinforcement


  2. You definitely did the right thing Ruth. Sometimes there is no 'easy' decision when you are faced with trying to be with people you love who are separated by many miles. Keep strong. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.


  3. You did absolutely the right thing in such heart wrenching circumstances. Your time with your mum was limited and you needed to make the most of what time you had. TBC is obviously finding it hard to process what has happened and I am so sorry that his way of dealing with it is hurtful to you.


  4. Ihttp can only echo everyone's thoughts here. You'd have had so many 'what if?'s if you'd done anything else.

    Can I point you to this blog in my reader:

    She lost her Mum in late October and had been writing about her grief in some beautiful posts ever since. I don't know … maybe they'll be too much for you right now …or maybe you'll recognise a kindred spirit.

    Wishing you a gentle day today.


  5. Sweet friend. I firmly believe that we do the best we can with what we have to work with, at any given time during our lives. You did what you had to do during the month of January. I believe that in time you will come to know that – I think you already do on some level. It was your last chance to be with your mother! You had to be there with her and for her! January is over and behind you now, so there's no sense wondering what might have been different. I hope you will set your sights on springtime – which is just around the corner – and the promise of brighter days ahead. Your boy child lashes out at you when he feels uneasy because he knows you are a safe haven. You will always love him, no matter how inappropriate his behavior is, and he knows he can trust that. I'm sure this is a terribly sad and confusing time for him as well.

    My prayer for you today is for peace and clarity as you process all of these foreign emotions. I love you so, Ruth. Sending super big hugs to you!!! ♥ ♥ ♥


  6. I am very moved by your writing, Ruth. Some decisions are a choice between two goods, and we choose at the time using the best information available to us in that moment. How hard to have to return to your young man's reaction, and how hard to return to your Mum. You have my complete admiration.


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